Today's ok. Tamara and Tierra are here. tierra still gets on my nerves, while Tam has changed into someone who is really cool to be around. A self opinionated independent person. I'm glad she just ignores ignorance.

I really miss being over at my house. I miss my bed, my computer, my own bathroom -cries-. But mom's getting better and I suppose thats all that matters.

Friends are dwindling but something is happening inside me. I'm getting stronger than I was, I'm more independent. And I'm learning that the people you never thought to be there, are the ones who are there. So for those people, I can't thank them enough.

All in all lifes ok right now. Even if I can't see it all the time.

since everyone is being wierd and just utterly and completely ridiculous, I'm taking a rest. I don't need any more stress as it is.

I'm tired of being taken advantage of and treated as if I have no sense in what's going on or being said. I don't need to be spiteful, manipulative, hateful, or nasty to get my point across.

Just remember one thing when you come home to an empty house,

Silence is deafening.

and when you have no one to talk to that will listen to you bitch and moan or much less give a fuck about what you say, maybe you'll think about how bad you've fucked up.

I no longer care...

So I saw Juliette, SHINee's new song. ^^ -spazz-

It made me fangirl giggle. hahahaha. wooo~~

Juliette hawh~~~ hahahahahahhaha...

I'm all hyper now. Anyway if you haven't seen it, it's a must see. Very SHINee like. I love how they stay true to their style.


SHINee hwaiting!

One thing I hate, if not more than anything else, is ignorant people.

People who say something, and have absolutely no idea what they're talking about.

People who think they know a person, when they really don't. When they take a look at a situation from ONE SIDE, and not the entire story. They don't try and see what happened from two peoples view. They take it from their own view, and what they see.

I hate it when someone tries to talk about me as if they actually know me. Spent time with me for more than half an hour one day. Didn't Talk to me and/or stand by my side. Just a word... that doesn't mean you know me, kk? :]

I regret that night, everyone knows it. I feel like shit. Why would you put someone you care about in that situation? Why you even fucking risk it? I know. They know. So it's over and everyone is forgiven. So why bring it up? At least know what youre talking about before jumping on something you really have no idea about.

You wanna talk about being a lousy best friend, look at how you treat your own best friend. Just sit back for a second and watch how you treat her. I guarantee you'll go 'oh my gosh'. You really are one to talk.

I'm not perfect. We all know that, that'd be pretty big to say something like that. So lay the fuck off, seriously, you act like you're some perfect queen who does no wrong. Bullshit.

While we're on the subject, how about you go to the source when you hear that someones talking shit? Instead of listening to stupid people who have no idea as to what they're talking about. You'll know if she's talking shit. Trust me when I say that. She's not scared to stand up for what she thinks is right.

I find if funny that you went all they way to her page just to see what she was doing. You just look to start mess. Drama. Stuff neither of you need.

haha...wow... and it's funny how some people are NEVER wrong. EVER. It's quite laughable actually.

My friend said something pretty interesting. Ignorance is bliss, and knowledge hurts. hahaha... I'm starting to see just how true that is.

and now I'm done venting.

mmm....

I'm feeling this... feeling... of happiness and pride for my dongsaeng.

I'm so very proud of her. she doesn't know how proud actually, because I can't put it into words.

My heart swelled, and I got this giddy want to cry feeling. I wanted to hug her haha. Be there to tell her how happy I was and am that she got a call back.

Jae... even though I wasn't there I know you did an amazing job at auditions. Most likely breathtaking... and I'm sorry I couldn't be there to root you on. But I'm so proud of you, and so is Kristin. haha...

It's falling in place. Watch and see.

anyway just wanted to get that out because I'm so excited for her.

congratulations jade. I'm so so so very proud of you. You've come so far.

So this something to uber spazz about. I've been spazzing since we started the convo dude... hahaha.

For about 2 years me and my friend have been saying that we were going to escape the stresses of our life, and the bullshit we put up with and go to S. Korea. Simply because it would be a refreshing glance at another culture up close and personal. We love the music, the people, the food, and the places we see on the comp. So going there would be amazing.

I had the chance and turned it down because I wanted to go with someone(people) who would freak out just like me. I wanted to enjoy myself with friends.

So when things got to the point where we just couldn't take it anymore, we dreamed. That's all we could do. One day... One day we're going to get out of this hell hole. We're going to Korea, and we're going to make something of ourselves there, where we'll be accepted for us.

Two days ago, she texted me and asked if I had the chance to go to Korea would I? I replied Duh. and that started the most amazing convo in the world... us planning on going.

It'll be me, jae, kiki, and monica. ^^ The whole dance team hahahaha...

It doesn't feel real, like it's just a joke, ya know? We're going in 4 years. By that time we're saving money each month. how much is the question.

SHOPPING, CLUBBING, EATING(wow we sound fat... hahahaha), CONCERTS, SHOPPING, SIGHT SEEING, SHOPPING, TOURS, SHOPPING, MOVIES/PLAYS, AND SHOPPING! hahahahahaha. yesssssssssss~~~~~~~ we're finally doing it.

I definitly planned on doing it, just not this soon ya know?

Although I don't sleep well next to people I don't know... personal thing... ugh. If we got like one hotel room... I could get used to it...

OMG... Seoul.... dfjalskdfjklsjasdkljdskljl XDDDDDDDD

its so done dude. you don't even know.

Who knew that someone leaving could cause such an uproar.
It shouldn't hurt. I shouldn't feel anything.
I know I should be happy for him, simply because he's happy.
Truthfully, my heart hurts, and I just want to forget. It's heavy and feel empty.
Pretend like this never happened. Like, haha that was just a joke. JK everyone. Or better yet.
CUT! ok that's a wrap!

I don't want to have to be strong, and keep my tears at bay, while he walks out. 'I'll be here whenever you need me.' I was stupid to believe that. I learned a long time ago not to believe anyone. No one. It's not worth getting hurt. It's not worth the fucking pain you feel inside when they just up and dissappear. the kinship, the laughs, the smiles... its all short lived.

Unfixable.

I'm left to pick up the pieces. Which isnt bad. Shes my best friend. But I have my own pieces to pick up. I... I don't know... hmmm...

Next time, don't promise me anything. Because you just leave me in the dark.

... so much... too much shit...

i hate being alone when I'm like this. Because things start coming up that I've buried. Stuff that I've stuck in closets and set away for years. Things that I refuse to think and dream about. Feeling empty. And heavy... and so lost and out of orbit.

'Listen to music' well that's a little. It's not working at the moment. Darkness is eating me up. I wish things would go back to the way they used to. The good old days.

I remember 난 기억해...
in the words of Tablo...

sooo~~~~....

ugh. anyone got anything entertaining to do? Because currently I'm so bored... T_T its horrible. There's things I could be doing, such as cleaning my room, or organizing things, I just want something fun to do... Yeah.. something fun...

Can't write I have no muse, so it's no wonder that I can't draw right now...

todays been ok... i suppose i watched chorus again... I can't get enough of jean-baptiste's voice... its so beautiful... i could listen to it all day... other than that I havent done anything except for go to the mall... wooo~~~ << not really...

perhaps i could go to the beach, or something more entertaining...

come talk to me! anyone...lol. i iz soooo~~~ bored...

Just when you think people don't listen, you find they did and do. You think to yourself, "I'm done talking because they obviously don't want to hear it." When that's not even the case. the just don't show they listened, they tuck it away for later. And when you think they forgot something happens and they go "Someone said this..." and you're left in shock because the memory floodes back to when you said it. And you see the face of the person who you were saying it to. Then the guilt for getting ready to just stop telling things to. And here comes the tears, why? Because they shouldn't have to deal with something so big and huge when their still relatively young. Then the protective instict comes in and you don't want them to feel it so what is there to do to fix it? What if you can't? Are you powerless? And if so, what to do? Talk. Just like you used to. Let them soak it in, be there when they need you, 그리고... 떠나지마... 아라?

People listen even when you don't think they do... For someone somewhere you're a role model, a bigger person, someone who is looked up to, counselor, healer, 'savior' friend, lover, whatever. Someone somewhere needs you. Lesson learned? Don't stop talking even if they don't listen. They're just not showing it.

야... 미안해요... 정말...

I forget how dumb people in high school are. How low their thinking process is. How retarded their thinking methods are. Stuff I would have thought was a big deal in school just makes me laugh now.

My dongsaeng texted my yesterday upset because some guy in her french class called her an oreo. racism is everywhere... its just so stupid. I guess if he's gonna make fun of her he should at least do it right, yeah? Because she can't really be an oreo... there's no white creme in the middle. He was obviously talking about someone else. The creme filling would defintly be yellow. She's black on the outside asain on the inside. Once again if you're gonna make fun of my dongsaeng do it right.

The pun didn't make her laugh, so I just let it go. << I told her the Bottom line is: People are gonna talk shit about you because you don't follow the ghetto ganster bullshit that goes with the general stereotype. That doesn't make you an oreo, that makes you an intelligent individual.

And it's true. It doesn't matter if you follow the stereotype are not. People are always going to have something to say. Always. Without fail. So you might as well be you.

Go ahead and like your kind of music, and eat your favorite kind of food. wear your customize, and banc. Don't let anyone who doesn't have an influence on you tell you anything different. Because if they were your friends they'd accept you for you.

동생 괜찮아...

So... I've been thinking about going to Japan with a friend of mine...

I'm getting my car soon, so I won't be saving for much longer. ^^ so excited.

We were talking about it and she said i need to have 3K in about a year and a half. I don't know if i'll be able to do it on such short notice. But it would be awesome as shit to go.

On the downside of that I'd need 3K + bills. rent and bills together are about $275-300. And I know that if I went there I'd want to get clothes and stuff, CDS, etc. << can't help it. Plus living and eating expenses. So I'm thinking a little over 5K... maybe a little less. I don't know.


On the bright side, maybe DBSK'll be over there, ne? If their not I know their albums and stuff are. I'd be so excited. Then the food and people oh god...lol. Go to Tokyo where the lights never die out, and just chill out and have fun.

I wish I could take my dongsaeng with me... she'd flip. The only thing i'm not to crazy about is going with people I don't know... well minus one. She doesnt count.

aish~~.... what to do what to do????


야, 제이... 어떻게?

So me and some co-workers were talking about Obama shutting down Guantanamo Bay. Well someone in our group was so angry at this fact. We said that they were being treated unfairly, I heard things and seen things that make me sick. She didn't seem to care, because she said 'well they killed 1,000's of our people. So they should just die.' O_O 진짜?

I researched it and it's making me sick... I'm so disgusted with America right now, and am very glad that Obama is closing down Guantanamo Bay. There are so many inhumane things taking place there. For instance, lets just name some.

Sexual assault
Sleep deprivation
Mental Torture
Beating
Force Feeding(necessary for hunger strikes, but inhumane for other things)
Exposure to bright lights, loud music
Disrespect to religion
Put in stress positions and left for 18+ hours, sometimes days
Starvation
Solitary Confinement
Lack of Medical Attention
Un-allowed to use washrooms
etc...

http://www.daily-nonsense.com/Blog/5-out-of-6-secretaries-of-state-agree-close-gitmo

Wiki-it people... go to this site and read on how 5 out of 6 Sec. of States agree to close Guantanamo Bay... Mr. Powell was right, "Our image abroad has dropped significantly."

But then again can you blame them? Look at what their being given.

I'm all for justice. But not when it turns into this. Terrorists and people caught in the middle of something is different.

Bring justice to people who have wronged, not because you think they shot someone or because you THINK they had a part in an act of defiance.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Also she was mad at the fact that Obama locked his birth records before the election. Well... I wonder why... She proceeded to tell me that he shouldn't be president because he's of Islamic decent, because his entire name is Islamic and even though he is christian, she swears he's Muslim...

I asked her why she thinks he locked his records. She replied because he has something to hide(or something to that effect). I brought up the fact that maybe, just maybe, he locked them to prevent people from thinking as she does. So what if his name and his race is of Islamic decent. Who cares? You should base your decisions on things he does not his race, which mind you is nothing he can control.

It made me really aggravated to talk to her about this because she was just so~~ how do you say it... Ignorant? And unknowing? Or maybe blind sided because she wanted Mc-cain to win... Does it matter?

Since when did being Islamic prevent someone from becoming president. As long as they fit the requirements, one of them being you MUST be an American citizen, then you're okay.

Also there is no religion requirement, which she tried to say that as well. You can be any religion. Its not looked well upon but there is no set religion.

I wish she would just research what she's talking about instead of running out of the mouth with some stuff that she has no idea about.

Kristin was telling me how she brought out an order to a couple, and the girl looked like she was going to burst into tears. Well that brought on a conversation that actually sparked my interest.

I run into a lot of guys who think that since they are the head of the household that they run everything and anything without question. That they can treat females any way they want.

I honestly think that guys are stupid if they think this. They think that by beating on women, and telling them what to do is being a man. While in reality it is quite the opposite. You're nothing but a sissy if you put your hands on a woman. It serves you no purpose. It doesn't make them like you more. It doesn't make them love you, nor do they find it pleasurable. And because you can't use your big boy words you choose to hit. Tsk tsk tsk. You should have learned when you were a boy that hitting is not good.

You're head of the household. Fine. But at the sametime, being head of the household requires you to have a few things. Things like wisdom, patience, love, kindness, and being rightous(the ability to do right) Without these you shouldn't consider being head of the household.

It's a lot easier for you to be nice than it is to be mean. Would it kill you to be sweet, and actually have a decent conversation with your partner? To talk to her if something's wrong instead hauling off and beating her? No. You would get a lot further, and a lot more by doing this than you would if you beat her.

나는 죈이에요...

I cannot help what I have become
My mind battles my heart over the evil pumping through my viens, in and out of my soul.
What am I supposed to do, when 2 wrongs don't make a right has disappeared from my ways of thinking.
When you know revenge is bittersweet, and is no good. Yet, you want it so bad you can taste it.
When you know being spiteful is not good for your soul, but you catch yourself thinking of ways to do things you have no business doing.
The world has finally seen me, something rightous, fall into evil.
Wisdom comes with age. But what they don't tell you is a cold heart comes with age as well.

I don't get why people can't work on a relationship.

Do people just pull out when they feel like it's getting too bothersome? Or maybe too stressful?

If you love someone you love someone... you're willing to help them get through a phase that you don't like too much(providing it's not something you need).

I just... I don't know. Maybe sticking it out requires some kind of wisdom. Wise doesn't necessarily come with age. You can watch someone wise and learn from them. Now, that doesn't mean if you learn something, that you don't need to become wiser. Everyone can become wiser.

My best friend, brother and my roommate, partner(hehe) have broken up. Now I'm how do you say... torn between the two...

I love Kristin...

But I also love Christian.

I don't want to have to choose who to go with, because their my family. Yet... we're falling apart.

Soo~ to relationships... R.I.P

so it never ceases to amaze me how wise someone can be. Just simple things said will make me think all night.

My roommate came home from work and was pissed, she called me before she got home to vent. As i am the one of sanity out of our trio that happens quite often. Before i get started let me explain my roommates. Kristin is my bestfriend among other things(inside joke) and Christian is black(point for this being said) and her boyfriend might as well be my brother.

On the phone she said that Leslie(our manager) had called a group of black kids on patio(Sonic) niggers. When she said this she looked at Dwayne(Head-manager;black). well kristin is standing on the other side of the car-hop table. when dwayne leaves she repeats it to her. And sinlently dares her to say something. Me and kristin are very defensive... over christy(christian) so naturally it pissed her off.

it also made me incredulously mad... i really dont like when people fuck with christy like that.

so a few weeks pass.. like two... and me and dwayne and jennifer are talking about a few things, and this is one of the things that pop up. I was telling dwayne that when i told christy about it he was and?
and i repeated the story. lol.
he goes so? why are you getting so defensive? do you see me all upset?
i was like no... but she shouldnt have said it! *insert various curse words*
he replies ok. you're right. but she did. so now what? there is absolutely nothing you can do right now so why worry about what she says. better yet why let something she said get to your brain and make you forget that ignorance like that happens. and wont go away.
i stood there like a little kid in front of their parents.
further dez, i've delt with stuff like that all my life. dont give them the satisfaction of getting mad. the best revenge for that is smiling in light of it all. Know and understand that theres nothing you can do about it, but realize that and move on.

i learn everyday... sometimes its simple things like that... that just blow my mind... i feel like i should have realized that... like wow... i cant believe i didnt get that.... hmmm... yet life moves on.


Theres this new manager(Ash((pops)) got fired) named carrie. shes gay... anyway. everyone has quit and i thought we were doing the right thing because everyone loved and respected ash. said we wouldnt work for anyone else but him. a entire new thing called loyalty was learned. a beautiful man on the inside that cared for everyone inside his circle... well she,for the lack of the better word, hates him. why? because we wont switch our loyalty. so she starts hiring new people. to flush us out. and its working. our hate is getting in our way to see her motifs... dwayne was telling me, and i never seem to not be taught something by him, that thats exactly what she wants and its a shame for us to be blinded by this on-going hate. He also said if you think about it, shes not all that bad. i thought about it for about two hours... went back to him and said i feel so dumb.

how can we let.. how can i let my dislike for her get in the way of her motifs? i mean i should have seen it. she wants a loyal crew. so she wont fire anyone, they'll file for unemployement, so she'll bring new people in and flush old people out. O_O omg.... T_T.... i just feel horrible. haaa....

so having learned two new lessons let me live on in light of this and strive to be as wise as my father(saranghae...) and tablo(got somethin to say to all ma teachers...) i feel like i can learn the most from them...

so my mom definitely called me at 8:12 this lovely rainy morning.... i told her i was asleep.... then after thinking on it, i got up and called her back... we are not on the greatest terms but she is my mother and i am her daughter... so theres a little love. and i think shes starting to get the idea that im going to remain a stud so i think she's getting over it. cuz she told me last time i ran into her at the store she goes...

"Desiree its good to see you... really good to see you." and then before i left she said "You know I dont like some of the things you do, and either does your daddy, but I still love you and i'm still your mom."

So i dont really know how to approach the situation, but we talk now. considering we havent been talking since may. wa~~~ thats a long time....


on other notes, my roommate(joey) decides to go to kristin(best friend/co-worker/roommate) ((shes really insecure due to her parents being condescending and such)) and tell her that, while i am sleeping on the couch, me and her need to find somewhere to stay after october. We are not on the lease. I opened my eyes and i looked at them, and he kept talking. He said that we were/are driving amber(his nasty girlfriend/roommate) out of the apartment and driving her insane. I stood up and jumped in. well ok i took over, i told kristin to leave. and squared off with him. He told us that it was christians(best friend/brother/rommmate/co-worker/part-time ninja) fault for letting us move, then proceeded to tell me how he knows what i've been through as well as kristin. and that there are HOMELESS SHELTERS for us to go to. OMFG.... i cannot tell u how much that pissed me off, and made me sad at the same time.... i said wow.... and just turned around trying to pull myself together again. he left. stupid pansy... i went outside and called christian(who was at work). and at first i was fine, he told me he was really busy. i was like christy i really really really *insert crying noise here* need to *and here* talk to you *and here* :] told him what happened. Not to mention he was pissed. very pissed. ah~~~~ not good. so we dont know what we are going to do right now AGAIN.

i always find it funny that i end up homeless right when i get back on my feet. it never fails really. ever. ha... jesus fucking christ people...


on to a lighter much lighter topic... i just watched number 1 by big bang and it is positively delightful with a hint of balling. :]]] yes yes i said balling.
i love it. 10 out of 10...

LOVESCREAM by epik high is also really good. BUTTERFLY EFFECT off the mini-album is my favorite song. very good and different. very true as well.

DBSK's MIROTIC... the entire CD is amazing, not one dull song.... there are slow songs but there really good. wasnt expecting anything less actually. favorite songs... Mirotic(duh), nan naui norae(you're my song/melody, wrong number, paradise, look at the sunset, are u a good girl. Thats pretty much the entire CD though. but eh whatever.